Tomato Messages
by Alex Damien
Summary: Messages over the phone between Romano and Spain. Their relationship is a strained mess of barely legal parties, bailing each other out of jail, pasta crises, and lots and lots of love.


**Tomato Messages**

"It is a mystery" is never a good answer, much less referring to your dick.

He should have known what was coming to him when he started harassing the ladies, and you can't prove he didn't run into my knife.

You shouldn't stick anything there, much less that. I don't care if France thinks it's a good idea!

I'm not crying! My eyes are just being stupid!

But why did you think bringing the goats along would be a good idea?

Just grab any other pants. You can't find any others? Have you looked in the oven?

I'm not insulting him! I'm just pointing out that he knows fuckass about pasta!

Please tell me it didn't bite off your dick. I need that.

You can barely restart your computer, what made you think you could pilot a plane?!

I don't set random shit on fire! I have perfectly good reasons for setting shit on fire!

No, you can't claim the turtles as dependants on your taxes.

France tried to have sex with it, didn't he? Please tell me you didn't-…what do you mean you vined it? What the fuck is a vine?

I won't change my mind, but do keep sending me nudes

I've told you to not accept dares that involve tankards of anything

Just wash him off so Germany doesn't notice when you give him back. And make sure he didn't upload any photos to his blog, I don't want Germany charging me for the couch.

What do you mean it was only legal in Nevada? Where the fuck is Nevada?

So in theory whose finger would you want to reattach?

I do know a guy who gets bloodstains off upholstery, but I'm going to need more information

I don't know how those panties ended up in the washer! NO OF COURSE THEY'RE NOT MINE I DON'T CARE WHAT SIZE THEY ARE

Whose wedding did you and those idiots crash this time? No, I don't care if you brought me cake!

I'm not crying, just come get me! I have bail money at home, don't ask Feliciano. Just come get me and bring me some pants, I'll explain later

If you're going to borrow my shoes, just don't take any expensive ones. And if you find any high heels, they're Feliciano's

But how did the glitter end up there? No, I don't know how to take it off, but I need to know you got it there.

I know Feliciano said I cried, but Feliciano is A NOSEY BITCH AND HE WAS THE ONE CRYING NOT ME! IT WAS HIM!

Honestly? I don't remember anything after the vodka shots, but I'm keeping the ping pong table.

I am constantly astounded by your ability to involve random ass animals into your hijinks.

Next time don't tell me you're in your underwear, tell me you're in lingerie. I would have come get you much faster.

Does it really matter how I three crates of pasta? Does it really?

Beer from a hose sounds like a terrible idea

Which one is naked? All of you?

Did you take a photo? Please tell me you took a photo. Then do it now before Germany gets him out of the drier!

Your ass is stuck _where_?

No, don't get out of the trashcan. I'll come get you. Soon, yeah, sure. Just stay there.

I wanted a lot of things for my birthday, but a disco ball wasn't one of them.

When you said you were on fire, I thought it was metaphorically.

What is that squealing noise in the background? _Prussia?_

Try pretending you don't speak Spanish until I get there

So you just started speaking in tongues? You just up and thought that was a good idea?

No stripping! Not even if you get me a video of it!

You can't prove it was me in woman's lingerie, lots of people have moles!

Yes, I did find the turtles. Well, _they_ found _me_ , but that seems irrelevant now. Just come get me, I'm in the upstairs closet and I can hear them.

That sounds interesting, but it's still not lube

Did you get your hair stuck on the pepper grinder again?

How many bottles of vodka did you chug this time?

You didn't have to bake an actual cake to hide in it.

You're on a boy band now? I don't quite agree with Japan that it's a good idea.

No, you can't strip in a music video. Absolutely not!

Congratulate you? For winning a drag queen competition?

I'm at work, I can't sing you a lullaby! No, don't cry! _May the moon, silvery beams, bring you sweet dreams…_

I have no idea why they thought I was a stripper, and I don't like your accusing tone

Is it that important how I got trapped in the refrigerator?

We're still banned from that movie theater.

You can't pay me back in blowjobs this time

I don't remember instagramming _that_ , but it's not like your ass is a secret. You should be proud, look at how many likes it has!

I'm pretty sure how many cake balls you can stuff on your mouth, no need to impress me there.

But why would the kangaroo punch you first?

Well _Santa_ better be having some nice presents for me if he wants me to help him get unstuck from the chimney. Yes, I know your dick is nice, but I'm taking a bath right now, so what else you have?

How do you shut up a baby? It's kind of urgent.

How did you smuggle in the rum? _In your bra?_ Why are you wearing a bra?

No, I wouldn't like it if you waxed your chest. Is France giving you relationship advice again?

I got three voicemails from you sobbing into the phone, and one where you said you had won an entire vanilla cake and two family sized pizzas at Domino's, so I'm a bit worried for you, and kind of outraged at your pizza choices.

If Prussia lost my brother in a poker game again I'm ripping off his lungs with my bare hands

Just keep going. As long as only the roof of the ambulance is on fire, you can probably reach the hospital

How much do you love me? Lots? You love me more than anything right? I might have broken one of your antique axes, but the most important thing is that you love me.

If someone puked in my car you're sleeping in the dog house for the next ten years

I'm sorry for yelling! I'm sorry! Mio dispiace! I thought manhole meant… whatever, how did you get stuck in a manhole anyway?

I didn't freak out. I _never_ freak out! I AM THE CALMEST FUCKING PERSON I KNOW!

Long story short, the sheep broke down the fence and have surrounded us. Come get me now, I don't feel safe with England in charge.

If Feliciano isn't back home and in one piece by tonight, you can start packing your things. And I don't want to hear anything about how it was Prussia's idea, or France's idea. Go get my brother. Now.

I found all the pasta you cooked for me. Where are you and what did you break this time?

Sweden might take good decisions most of the time, but I don't think it's a good idea for us to buy a kid on the internet right now.

Maybe the waiters will stop throwing bread if you apologize sincerely.

Did you get your tongue unstuck from the toaster?

That's what you get when you go around poking things you shouldn't. Yes, I'm coming to get you, stop whining it just stabbed you once

I don't see how you got into an honor duel over a yacht dispute. We don't even own a yacht. But yeah, I have a gun you can borrow.

You said you were going to a funeral, but I can hear disco music in the background! It's France's funeral? He's faking his death _again?_

I found a fish on your boots, and I just want to know if it's still edible? No, I'm not going to eat it myself, just tell me if it's still sort of good. Feliciano invited Germany for dinner tonight.

How many vodka shots would kill a man? I need to establish dominance at a party

He stained my Tom Ford suit. _Obviously_ there was going to be bloodshed. No, _you_ don't understand. If you damage a five thousand dollar suit, you pay in blood!

Having a pet is fine, but you can't keep hundreds of sea turtles in the house. Don't cry, I'll cook you something nice tonight.

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 **A/N:** If you enjoyed this, please consider leaving a like or a review. That would make me very happy.

And if you want more crazy hijinks, I have nother piece like this called Brotherly Messages, which you can find in my profile and is between Germany and Prussia.


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